Retrospection
by PirateBallet
Summary: You don’t realize how a woman’s heart works, do you? . . . That will be fixed. After stealing a priceless locket from Tia Dalma, Jack gets a little more than he bargained for, and a closer understanding of womankind than he ever wanted.
1. Oh Bugger

**Disclaimer: **No own. Mouse own. Have much fun with, though. :) And no accent was used for Tia Dalma - much to hard to type out. Use your imagination, people. ;P It's what you're here for, after all.

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**Retrospection **

**Prolouge **

Rumor has it, hindsight is twenty-twenty. For one Captain Jack Sparrow, nothing could be truer. Especially not now. Foresight had never been something he was especially good at. He left that job to Gibbs. Unfortunately, the one time he needed Gibbs, the older man was nowhere to be found.

Fate hated Jack Sparrow.

"Honestly, I didn--"

The shorter woman in front of him silenced Jack with a sharp look. Small and eerie, Tia Dalma could spring fear in the hearts of men with one look if she tried. She was trying. One did not mess with a voodoo priestess and expect to come out unharmed. Jack had pushed his luck with this woman one too many times.

"Where is the necklace, Jack?"

The pirate gave her a confused look, hoping he could throw her off. "Necklace?"

Brown eyes narrowed. "Do not play games wid me, Jack Sparrow. I know how you work. Where. Is. My. Necklace?"

Jack sighed, knowing he had lost this particular case. "Bartered. I bartered it."

"What did you receive in return?"

He had hoped she wouldn't ask that. Of course she would have. He muttered something.

Tia lifted an eyebrow. "What was that?

"Rum."

"Rum." Tĩa repeated flatly. "You bartered my necklace for _rum_. Could you not have given anything else?"

"Mitigating circumstances, luv. Your necklace was the only satisfactory option."

"I want my necklace; you will get it for me, won't you?" Tĩa purred, running her hand over Jack's, even as her eyes smoldered in anger.

Jack pulled his hand away and stood up from the table, backing across the room and nearly knocking over a jar that held something with far too many eyes and legs for comfort. "Terribly sorry darling, but that's just not possible – rum runners, you know. Difficult to find; travel all over the Caribbean. They've most likely sold it by now."

Tĩa Dalma's eyes flashed, and there was not a hint of anything but cold fury in her eyes as she glared at Jack. "You will bring me my necklace, Jack Sparrow."

"As I've already said, 's not possible. I'll get you a better one – shinier, more expensive."

"I don't _want_ another one. That necklace is very close to my heart; I must have it, and no other."

Jack winced, "It has to be that one?"

"Yes," Tĩa Dalma nodded. "That one." Suddenly, her eyes narrowed, and she grinned, a full, green-toothed smile. "You don't realize how a woman's heart works, do you? . . . That will be fixed. Go back to the _Pearl_, and don't come back here until you have the necklace you stole from me." When Jack didn't move immediately, she waved a hand at the door. "Go!"

Jack didn't need any more prompting to vacate the building.

A parrot was not the easiest creature to have a conversation with. At least most animals didn't answer back, and if they did, they would have made sense. Jack glared at Cotton's parrot as he made his way back to the Pearl, mumbling to himself about women.

It didn't help matters that the parrot understood what was going on. Jack had to admit out of all the unusual things he had seen, Mr. Cotton's parrot was near the top of the list. The parrot could follow conversation almost as well as a human. At times, it was downright creepy. And annoying.

Like now.

"Squawk! Bad luck! Bad luck!"

Gibbs was waiting at the Pearl just as he said he would be. He gave a bright smile toward his captain, but it died as Jack stalked past him. "Did she help?"

"Women are fickle creatures, Gibbs. The sooner I remember that, the better I shall be." Without saying another word, Jack stormed into his cabin, fully intending to drink himself into unconsciousness. He needed to get his disappointing visit out of his mind for awhile. Gibbs watched him go, before pulling out his flask and drinking from it.

"That's a "no", then, I figure," He remarked to himself, taking another drink.

The sunlight peeking through the window woke Jack the next morning. Jack blinked open an eye, without having remembered falling asleep. He stretched and rubbed at his eyes, mentally cursing the sunlight that aggravated his hangover-induced headache. His thoughts floated back to Tĩa Dalma's home, and he, for the first time in a long time, felt angry. It wasn't his fault her stupid necklace was nowhere to be found. Okay, actually, it was. That was beside the point.

"Stupid, bloody loc--"

Something was wrong. His voice was too high. Jack blinked and spoke again. Same results. Either Will had taken his revenge for the many eunuch jokes, or Jack was dreaming. Yes. That was it. He was dreaming. Now, where was that rum?

He stood and as he did, he caught a glimpse of himself in the glass. This was definitely not his body. His beard and moustache were gone. His face was smooth. And _those_ most certainly had not been there twelve hours ago.

Jack Sparrow stared into the reflection of a woman.

_"You don't realize how a woman's heart works, do you? . . . That will be fixed."_

Oh bugger.


	2. Not Good!

**Disclaimer: If we owned Jack Sparrow or any Pirates characters, we would not be writing fanfiction. You would be seeing this on screen.**

**EDIT: Sphynx just realized the 'anoyn' review was disabled. Apologies to all who don't have an account. You can review now.**

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"Not good! Definitely, not good," Jack muttered, inspecting his . . . her new body. Nearly all ofhis identifying scars were gone; even Jack's gold teeth had been replaced. In fact, the only thing that was recognizable on Jack's body was the sparrow tattoo - the pirate brand that normally existed just below ithad also mysteriously disappeared. So. . . how was Jack to get his crew to recognize him?

Like as not, they wouldn't - and that could mean trouble for the currently female pirate captain. Jack had to get Tia Dalma to fix this. Surely she would -

_"Don't come back until you have my necklace."_

Or not.

"Well," Jack remarked thoughtfully, turning and examining his reflection. "Could be worse. She could have made me ugly."

A knock startled Jack out of his thoughts, and he panicked. That would be Gibbs, wondering by Jack hadn't emerged from his room yet. For a man who usually drank himself to sleep every evening, the Captain was an early riser. Gibbs would be worried.

He certainly was going to be more than worried when he found a female in Jack's room, and no Jack to be found.

"Cap'n? Ye all right?"

Jack let out an un-captainish squeak and dove for his bed, scrambling under the covers in the time it took for Gibbs to open the door and enter. "Cap'n - 'tis well past midmorning an' the crew's gettin' restless. They'll need ye topside, 'fore long." When Jack didn't respond, Gibbs' brow creased in deeper concern. "Ye ain't dead, are ye, Jack?"

He was extremely startled when a somewhat-higher-pitched-than-normal voice resounded from the bed. "No, Gibbs, 'm not dead."

"What's wrong wi' yer voice?"

There was silence for a moment, before Jack replied - again, in that disquietingly high-pitched tone. " 'S nothing - just an . . . unfortunate encounter wiv the table a few minutes ago."

Gibbs winced in sympathy. "Should I tell th' crew yer comin' up, Jack?"

A ring-covered hand emerged from the mound of blankets, and waved him off in a dismissive fashion. "Yes, yes, tell 'em I'm coming up. It'll be a few minutes, though. Need t' chart our course."

Gibbs nodded, and left the cabin. When Jack heard the door close behind him, he chanced a peek out of the covers. When he knew he was once again alone, he eased out of the bed and sat down in front of his charts. He'd just bought himself some time.

There was no plotting courses to his original destination. Not in this form. Sighing, and cursing to himself, Jack plotted the only course that might be safe. The only course that could actually save his skin. That was if he could get them to believe him.

Fat chance of that. Who would expect the famous Captain Jack Sparrow cursed with womanhood? Despite the fact they had encountered cursed pirates, half-men/half-sea creatures, and a mythological beast, Jack had a feeling Mr. Turner and Miss Swann would find difficulty believing this.

Jack would work on them later. Right now, he needed to convince his crew. Easier said than done. The crew could be extraordinarily thick-headed at times, and their superstition about women would not be of any help in convincing them. Still, if anyone could do it, he could.

He _was _Captain Jack Sparrow, after all.

Not that he was taking any chances. During the time that AnaMaria had been a part of his crew, while a relatively short time, Jack had "accidentally" walked in on her while she was getting dressed. . . a few times. Besides receiving an extraordinarily painful slap, he had learned some useful information, and the pirate captain put that to work now.

He strolled over to a large chest in the corner and pulled out a large amount of cloth bandages that he usually kept for any injuries he might happen to receive . . .during battle, at the hands of Giselle, from something that might happen while he was drunk, and other such needs.

Jack stared at them for a few moments, then down at his own chest.

This . . . was going to be interesting.

Deciding it was now or never, Jack emerged from his cabin an hour later, cringing as every pirate on board gave him the _look_. That look meant 'Who are you, and why are you in our Captain's bedroom?" He now knew exactly how many of the girls who had 'mysteriously' found their way into his room felt.

"Gentlemen, our heading has changed."

Oh, how he hated his voice. Marty blinked, and looked up at Gibbs, who had raised his eyebrows. Swallowing, and shaking his head, the older man spoke up. "Captain?"

"Don't ask. It's that bloody priestess that did this to me. That is all you need to know."

Gibbs' narrowed. "Prove that ye are Jack Sparrow."

"Captain," Jack muttered under his breath. This wasn't going to be particularly pleasant, especially if he failed to convince them. He _did_have one thing that would prove his identity beyond a shadow of a bout. It was a tale only those of his crew knew, and one he did not relish spreading around. Still, if it convinced the men, then that was all that mattered.

Right?

He winced, "The last time we put in at Tortuga, I was set upon by a particular Captain Holmes who assumed from my appearance, that I wished to participate in unusual and unseemly unnatural acts within his cabin. When I refused, he broke down weeping, shouted "How could you betray me like that?" and proceeded to try to maul me on the spot. The only reason I escaped without injury was because the parrot flew up and bitthe manon the ear."

Looking around at his crew's slightly green faces, Jack knew he had them convinced. He pulled an indignant scowl at them and barked out, "Satisfied?"

The entire crew blinked. Marty, ever one to break the silence, grinned up at his Captain. "That's proof enough for me. No one but Jack Sparrow would know that story, and unless someone is playing a very, very cruel joke,for which we will make them pay. . ." The little man grinned sadistically. "I believe him."

The rest of the gang muttered their agreements.

That didn't make Jack feel better.

Getting to Port Royal was simple; trusting the crew to stay with the _Pearl_ for the amount of time this particular visit might require was not. As Jack didn't have much choice in the matter, he just swallowed his worries and went ashore. When he entered the town, he noticed that his current appearance drew as many stares (or more) than he usually received, and many of them were more condemning than the pirate was used to.

"You'd think they'd never seen a woman in man's clothing before," Jack muttered as passerby took pains not to approach the strangely attired young woman. Fortunately for Jack, he spotted the people he was searching for almost immediately. Elizabeth Swann and Will Turner were walking down the street together, and appeared to be having an argument of some sort. Jack made a wise decision and decided to trail them at a discreet distance for awhile before attempting to explain the situation. This allowed him to hear what the two were arguing over.

"Oh, _please_, Will - you know I didn't mean anything _by _it!"

"It didn't look that way to me."

"I did it for _us_, if you must have an explanation. We would never have survived if not for what I did!"

"Pardon me if I fail to see how your kissing Jack is good for "us"."

"_Will!"_

"Really, Elizabeth - the first time I can understand, but the second? Third? _Eleventh_?"

"They were unintentional, I swear! You know how Jack is."

Jack snorted to himself. People said he got himself into situations he couldn't get out of. . it seemed Miss. Swann held the same record. He watched as she flushed and glared at her fiancee, as if trying to come up with a reasonable explanation for the situations. Fortunately for her, Jack was about to 'rescue' her.

"Elizabeth!"

Elizabeth turned, confused at the sight of the 'woman' in front of her. She turned to Will for an explanation, but the blacksmith simply shrugged, just as confused as she was. "Can I help you?"

"I hope. Come here." Without any warning, Jack grabbed Elizabeth's wrist, and drug her into the nearest dark corner, drawing stares. She sputtering, Elizabeth ripped her arm from Jack's grasp, glaring at the pirate as only Elizabeth Swann could do.

"Do I know you?"

"Of course you do, luv."

She rolled her eyes. "Care to tell me who you are?"

"Jack."

"Jack?"

"Sparrow. Captain Jack Sparrow."

Elizabeth's eyes narrowed as she scanned the pirate from head to toe. "Jack Sparrow? Jack Sparrow is male. You are a woman."

"Brilliant observation, luv. You deserve a medal for that." Jack said dryly, not caring to go into full detail about the rest. "All you need to know is Tia Dalma cursed me. It's a long story, really."

"Tia Dalma cursed you?"

"Yes."

"To be a woman?"

Jack was impatient now. "Yes."

Elizabeth was quiet, but her brown eyes were twinkling. Without warning, the governor's daughter burst out laughing, drawing stares from not only Will, but the rest of the commoners as well. "Jack? How in the world do you end up in these situations?"

"I honestly 'ave no idea, darling. Perhaps they're drawn to my natural . . . charisma."

"Must be," she replied, her eyes gazing Jack up and down again. "Oh this is not good. . . " She sighed, running a hand through her hair.

"One question, luv," Jack interrupted her train of thought. "How exactly do we tell oh . . whatshisname over there?"

Elizabeth gave him a sharp look. "Will. Don't worry about him. I will handleinforming him. I'm sure heis more likey to believe methan you. Right now, we have more pressing matters. Jack, how long did she tell youto stay . . . female?"

He shrugged. "Failed to mention that."

" . . . More than a month?"

He blinked at her. "Probably."

Elizabeth closed her eyes, sighing. "Oh Jack . . . We need to have a talk."


End file.
